During the last few months, I have been on a Netflix binge, watching the TV show, “House.” If you aren’t familiar with this show, it’s a medical drama about a cynical, sarcastic, cranky doctor, Greg House, who is a genius at diagnosing medical cases that other doctors can’t figure out.
One of the benefits of watching hundreds of hours of this TV show within a period of just a few months is that it has made me aware of many rare, unheard-of, and even imaginary illnesses that I might unknowingly have. Many of these diseases can go without symptoms for months or even years, so there’s no way to tell what illness might be lurking without detection. I’m kind of surprised that so far I haven’t started bleeding out of my eyes, become paralyzed in half of my body or suddenly gone into anaphylactic shock, like many of the patients on TV.
However, I have successfully diagnosed myself with one illness that has been plaguing me this winter. Around our house, we refer to it as CSATCTTSOTS.
In medical terms, it’s known as “Cold Sensors Are Too Close To The Surface Of The Skin.”
Because of this condition, I am cold. All of the time. In fact, I’m freezing. I don’t want to bore you with a bunch of differentials and medical terminology, but the reason for my extreme coldness is that my cold sensors are too close to the surface of my skin. In other words, when other people are warm, I’m cold.
It’s very difficult, and even painful, to go outside when you have this ailment. Therefore, this condition is highly exacerbated by living in a climate where it’s winter three-fourths of the year. Some of the symptoms are:

  • When you wake up in the morning, you don’t want to get out of bed because it’s freezing.
  • You have a need to drink hot drinks constantly.
  • And by the end of the day, you are so cold that even your bones are frozen. You feel like you might actually shatter if you fall down.
  • You also are subject to panic attacks when you realize how long winter is. For example, in the area where I live, we are only in the first winter season. It’s not even Dec. 20 yet, when we enter “Harsh Winter.” After that we still have to deal with “Never Ending Winter” before we make it to the actual Most Wonderful Time of the Year, “Sprinsummerfall.” (Also known as “Ahhhhhh.”)

 
To help other people suffering from CSATCTTSOTS, I have put together some items from my Christmas list that might be helpful. Let’s face it. There will be times when you HAVE to go outside, and this is pretty much going to be the key to survival.
1. The No. 1 item on my Christmas list is the complete fleece bodysuit. It comes in a variety of colors and has zippers to allow you to still use various body parts while staying warm.
2013-10-31-humanod-suit-8
2. The second item on my list is a battery-powered electric blanket. I haven’t actually found one of these yet, so I’m not sure it’s invented. This would allow me to walk around the house and even drive in my car while still wrapped in an electric blanket.
3. This third item might shock many of you. After years of being a hater, I have finally gotten so cold that I would like a pair of Ugg boots. I was thinking that these might look great paired with some stylish snow pants.
Given my extreme disdain for Ugg boots in the past, I thought it might be good for me to document this change here on my blog. Dr. House often notes such changes as possible side-effects to some of the rare illnesses that he finds. If I were to suddenly fall into a coma, I would want the doctors to know about this, just in case it’s neurological.
So, if I show up to the next holiday party in a pair of Ugg boots, I want people to know it’s not my fault.
It’s a symptom.
 

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